The Moon and its Tide
by lonelyfangoddess
Summary: Tony stared at the moon with a blank face as tears still tracked their silent way down his cheek. Peter was the one who was supposed to live. Tony shut his eyes harshly and rubbed them with more force than necessary. If Peter was the lost moon, Tony was the sand being drowned in the tide.


"I found Pepper the other day. I know you'd be happy about that. I told her I loved her, that I was glad she made it." Tony whispered to the glass window. He stared out at the pale moon, flashing a brilliant pearly white in the distance. If the Avengers were the Sun, with him orbiting around them, giving them suits and weapons and staying a fair distance away, Peter was the moon. He was the constant, always around, always there to keep Tony in check. He lit up the air around him, no matter how dark Tony's world seemed to be. Without him, Tony was lost. He felt the sea of tears well in his eyes as he swallowed around a sob.

"She asked about you. I didn't have an answer. How do I tell her that my son disappeared in my arms? How do I tell anyone that you di-" Tony's voice hitches, effectively stopping his speech. He feels himself curl into the window, trying to get closer to the pale glow from the sky. "God, I wish it were me. I wish he took me and left you. You had a future. My life should have ended years ago." Tony hangs his head at this. He knows - _he knows_ \- Peter would chastise him for that, tell him how much good he's done for the world, how he's a hero. Peter would sheepishly tell him how much Tony meant to him, and Tony would sling an arm around the kid and give him a noogie. Tony sadly laughs at the image before realizing he'll never be able to tease the kid again. He rests his head against the cool glass and watches as the clear window gets sprinkled with the first signs of rain. Tony fights back tears as he tells Peter, the Moon, about his day, about how his hot aunt needed him back and how Rhodey was so glad that Tony was okay. _So, so glad._ Tony wasn't.

The worst, the absolute worst, was having to tell May. Or not telling her. As soon as he stepped off the ship, May was looking for Peter. The moment Tony walked out, visibly weighed down from loss, she knew. May sunk to the ground in grief as Tony joined her.

 _"He's gone, isn't he?"_

 _Tony lifted his left hand and formed a weak, strained fist, "Yes, May."_

 _May gasped as fresh tears ran down her face. As the news sunk in, she howled in pain on the ground, too heartbroken to pull herself up. Tony joined her on the ground as he pulled her in. "I'm so sorry, May, I'm so sorry. He should've stayed home, I should have forced him to go home before it was too late. It shouldn't have been him." Tony held May as she grew increasingly desperate for air between sobs. "God, anybody but him." Tony reiterated as he finally started crying. He couldn't help it, no matter how strong he needed to be for the outside world. It didn't matter anymore. Peter wasn't here, so why should it matter? Peter was all he had. He was his son and he couldn't save him so what was the point?_

 _The terrible sounds of May screaming for her lost child would haunt Tony forever._

Tony re-lived the memory, over and over. He stared at the moon with a blank face as tears still tracked their silent way down his cheek. Only Peter would have been able to detect the slight twitch in his eyebrow that signified he was holding back more tears than were being shed. But Peter was gone, and nobody noticed, except maybe perhaps the moon and its stars. Tony closed his eyes and turned his face upwards, praying to somebody that Peter would somehow come back home. Then, like the flick of a switch, Tony brought his fist down _hard_ on the window sill. Why would he pray to whoever when they were the ones who let Peter die in the first place? He cursed again for Peter being taken instead of him. Peter was the one who was supposed to live.

After sitting at the window for another twenty minutes, living through flashes of memories and watching the moon grow larger, Tony finally got up. His muscles and joints creaked as he moved from the window sill for the first time in over two hours. He left the blinds open for the moon to light up his dark room. Like a robot, he walked to his bed and sat, his glazed eyes staring at the floor as if he could see right through it. With a heavy sigh, he laid back and leaned his head on the pillow. He stared at the door without realizing he was waiting for Peter to bid him goodnight, like he always did when he was at the tower. Tears fled his eyes, carved trails to his ears, paths in his hair, and finally found a home in his pillow. Tony shut his eyes harshly and rubbed them with more force than necessary.

If Peter was the lost moon, Tony was the sand being drowned in the tide.

* * *

A week later, Tony wasn't living. He was just waiting for death to take him like it had taken most of his family. He refused to leave the tower, but hated staying in it when Peter wasn't. Rhodey was concerned about him, as was Pepper. They didn't understand why he wouldn't leave his workshop, even though he died every time he walked past the stand that used to hold Peter's Iron Spider suit. They didn't understand that he was working himself to death to make a new suit to defeat Thanos, to avenge Peter.

Tony couldn't tell if it was any easier in the day than it was at night. At night, he saw the moon as he saw Peter. Peter was floating in space somewhere, broken but still extraordinary. His kid would always be extraordinary to him. He wished he'd told him that more while he was here. It was hard at night when he couldn't sleep, and the darkness creeping in his room morphed into visions of Peter begging him like a child would beg their father. _I don't want to go, please, sir, I don't want to go. I'm sorry._ Tony's stomach tightened with regret. His kid was dying in his arms and he couldn't even speak to him. He wished he'd had more time to tell Peter how much he meant to him. _I'm sorry too, kid._

During the day, Tony could see everywhere Peter was supposed to be. He could see him in the patch of sunlight that hit the couch where he always sat, he could hear him in the creaking of the floors, could see him in the books and binders that still lay strewn around the floor of the tower. Tony couldn't bring himself to clean them up yet. One day, Tony noticed a sheet of paper with a gauntlet doodle sticking out of one of the binders. Carefully, he pulled it out and examined it. It was, in fact, a doodle of the entire Iron Man suit on the corner of the page. The gauntlet was circled in pencil. Just beside it there was a little note, _Don't you think it's cool? That's the part I get to help with today._ Was scrawled in Peter's neat penmanship. _Dude that's awesome! So when am I coming over?_ was written underneath it in what he thought to be Ned's slightly messier handwriting. The little notes stopped there. Tony assumed they followed it up outside of the paper. The scribbles made him smile to himself as he got an idea.

Tony ran down to the lab, the fastest he'd moved since getting back to Earth. He desperately searched for his state-of-the-art StarkPad and logged into Peter's AI. After a quick greeting from Karen, he logged into the Baby Monitor Protocol. After a moment, Peter's face animatedly jumped to the screen and Tony sighed.

 _"And then he was like, 'Hey, Underoos!' and I was like..."_

 _"Hey everyone, yeah! Kick ass party. Hey, what's up Liz? Peter's told me a lot about you."_ Tony groaned at the kid before choking on his breath when he saw Peter wink in the suit. God, he wished the kid was there, just so he could tease him one more time.

 _"It is I, Thor, son of Odin." Peter mimicked in a horrible accent._ Tony barked out a laugh. The kid was going to lose it when he realized Tony had seen all this. Catching himself, Tony lost his smirk. He fiddled with his fingers, debating whether or not to keep watching Peter. Eventually, he spun in his chair to work on his suit while leaving the footage playing, his shoulders gaining a saddened hunch. He'd been working for quite a while, listening to Peter ramble about his day, the girl he liked, the old newest criminals and wished he would've paid more attention before. Instead, Tony stuck to working on the gauntlet, making it more powerful than before, and giving it the power to bleed like the rest of the suit. It was one hell of a task, which left him quite distracted until he noticed a change in footage.

 _"Man, Mr. Stark is so cool. He designed this for you?" Ned said, gesturing widely. Peter looked up with a spark of enthusiasm in his eyes as he watched Ned play with his mask._

 _"Yeah! It's amazing. Have you met Karen yet?" Peter asked, staring into the eyes of the mask, tilting his head._

 _"Pffft, have I met Karen. She and I are old friends. Best buds." Ned says, and the mask tilts to the side to mimic Peter._

 _"Ouch, man. That hurts." Peter says, throwing a hand to his chest in mock pain._

 _"Oh come on, you know I'm kidding. No one could ever replace you." Ned says jokingly._ Tony sniffs and turns back to his work.

 _"You're only saying that so I'll let you play with the suit more." Peter says, lightly nudging Ned to the side. Ned and Peter laugh, a bittersweet sound._ Tony's hands busy themselves knuckle deep in his armor.

 _"How can I not? It's freaking awesome. You've got your own AI, a crap ton of web combos, AND it was made by the world's most powerful hero? How much luckier can you get? You even get to spend time with him, Jesus Christ." Ned says, honestly, without a hint of jealousy. He's genuinely happy for Peter, anybody could tell._

 _"Yeah, Dad's pretty awesome, even if he does hack in to watch the Baby Monitor stuff." Peter said, his expression turning into one of terror as the realization hit him. "OH SHIT, NO! NED MASK OFF, MASK O-"_ _The feed cuts out on Peters horrified, amused grin. Peter knew Tony would most likely just mortify him for maybe a week or two max before Peter did another stupid thing that would take the spotlight, but accidentally calling him Dad was big. And Karen got it on tape!_

Tony froze in his seat when he heard Peter refer to him as Dad. Peter...he thought of Tony as a father figure? When did that happen? Why was Tony feeling so proud about it? He wished, again, that the kid was here so he could ask him about it. However, he got the feeling that Peter would avoid the conversation anyways.

Tony rewound the footage until he found the exact moment Peter called him Dad. He couldn't stop watching it. Even as he found his way back to his bedroom, he sat on his windowsill again and watched the entire conversation again, and again, and again. A few more times after that. Tonight, Tony doesn't talk to the moon, the sky, hoping that Peter can hear him. He just holds the video close to his chest to protect it from the tears that seem to be relentlessly falling. This is all he has left of Peter. There will be no more impersonations of Thor, no more dorky videos of him talking to himself, no more teasing Peter over any of it. Peter is gone, but he's right here in Tony's arms tonight. He sleeps in his own bed, but somehow finds himself waking up in Peter's room, with the blinds and the windows wide open.

* * *

In his dreams, he sees Peter. He sees his smile, his excited attitude, his youth and innocence. Peter was all that was good in his life, he gave him hope for the future. Hope that was taken away with the snap of a finger.

 _Tony watches Peter meddle with his web shooters, trying to fix the new problem where the webbing would gob up and clog the machine. The look in his eyes is pure determination, a look Tony was proud to see. Peter was a good kid and he was a science kid. Tony liked him._

 _In the distance, Tony hears the snap of fingers. He doesn't know, at first, in his dream state, what that means. Tony hears the indescribable sound of life disappearing before he figures out what it is. His good dream changes in an instant._

 _"Mr. Stark, I don't feel so good." Tony's stomach drops as terror introduces itself to his dream. No, not Peter. You can't take him too._

 _"You're alright." It's the only thing he can say. He can see Peter disappearing right in front of him. Peter can see it too._

 _"I don't - I don't know what's happening. Mr. Stark, I don't-" Peter falls and it's all Tony can do to catch him. He notices his legs are dissolved and he begs for Peter to be alright. For this to be a dream._

 _"I don't wanna go. I don't wanna go. Sir, please, I don't wanna go." Even as he's dying, disappearing right in front of Tony, he's still as polite as ever. Tony remains stoic, his emotions boiling over in his gut but not allowing themselves on his face. Until Peter looks up, and Tony can see the absolute terror and acceptance in his face and allows some of the same fear onto his._

 _"I'm sorry." Tony grapples to hold on to Peter but it's too late. It's always too late. Peter disintegrates in his arms, and Tony is too late to tell him how brilliant and kind and funny he is, how he wishes it were him, how he wants to beat the ever-living crap out of Thanos for even so much as touching his kid, let alone destroying him. For that, Tony will destroy_ him _. He will destroy him, his precious stones, his life, his home, his everything. There will not be so much as a reminder of Thanos after he's finished. But there's no time to tell Peter that. There's not even time to tell him how much he loves him like a son, that he wasn't worthy of Peter but so grateful that he got to spend time with him._

 _I'm sorry too, Peter. I'm so sorry._

As Tony hiccups, he wakes in his room to find the blinds have been pulled shut, enveloping his bed in a shroud darkness.

"Peter!" Tony yells, jumping to open his blinds to let the moonlight in. He needs to talk to Peter. He couldn't speak before but he needs to now. Tony leans his head against the window, not caring that the cold from the outside is was seeping into his forehead.

"I'm so sorry, Peter. I should have done more, I should have protected you, I should have sent you home sooner. You should still be here. You deserve it more than me." Tony says, clenching his first and bringing it to the glass window, thinking better of it and bringing it down again to fall limply against his side. Tony begs Peter for forgiveness, for failing to protect him, for failing to save him from Thanos, for failing him as a father. He begs until his voice goes hoarse.

Then, he breaks. He cannot handle Peter being gone. Pepper and Rhodey are here but they're not. They give him space and time but time only knows how to heal, not fix. Tony doesn't think it'll do either. Tony isn't a crying man, but Peter was _his son_. At this thought, Tony truly breaks down. His body is so heavy he's surprised he's not falling through the ground. He can't move, locked in a place of grief and despair so strong he can't breathe. Tony sobs until his sobs choke him and he gags.

 _How can people say everything happens for a reason?_ Tony thinks darkly. _Peter should be here and he's_ not _. There is_ no _good reason for that._ What he wouldn't do to give Peter the proper hug he deserved. What kind of person spends two years with a kid and never gives them a hug? _What was wrong with him?_

An hour later, Tony walks out of the room with a killer headache. He goes into his barely lit kitchen and raids the cupboards for the Advil he hopes is in there, not noticing Rhodey sitting on the stool at the island. Rhodey watches Tony with concern. He can hear him talking in the middle of the night, but who he's talking to is a mystery. When Tony turns around to fill up his glass, he jumps.

"Hey, Tones." Rhodey says softly, trying to calm his surely racing heart.

"Hey. Hi. One question, what the hell are you still doing up? Shouldn't you be sleeping?" Tony accuses, pointing his finger in the direction of his friend.

"Shouldn't you? You're the last one to be telling me to mind my sleep schedule." Rhodey affectionately rolls his eyes in the direction of Tony.

"First of all, rude. Second of all, touché." Tony snarks, hoping the dark of the room covers his red eyes. Rhodey breaths out in a mimic of a laugh.

"What are you doing up, anyways?" Rhodey says, concerned that Tony is drinking again. He eyes the glass in his hand suspiciously before Tony fills it with water.

"Talking to Peter." Tony answers simply and quietly.

"What? I thought Peter was-" Rhodey trails off quickly, kicking himself for accidentally bringing him up like that. Tony just brushes him off with the wave of his hand as he downs two Advil.

"I'm talking to my kid, Rhodey. I know he's out there. I just know it. He can't be gone."

Rhodey watches with concern as Tony walks back into his room. Through the closed door, Rhodey hears Peter's voice go on.

"It is I, Thor, son of Odin-"

* * *

At two in the morning, Rhodey got a call from a blocked number. Curious and eager to tell someone off for waking him, he accepted.

"Who are you and why the hell are you calling me at two in the morning?" Rhodey answered shortly, his voice monotonous and low.

"Rhodey, it's Steve. We've figured out how to get them back."

"It's about damn time."

* * *

Tony was having the first peaceful sleep he'd had since Thanos. His mind, deciding it had had its fun so far with tormenting him about Peter, gave him a good dream. He dreamt of a simpler time when the worst they had gone through was when Peter got a ferry torn apart. He dreamt of fixing suits, playing games with his kid, and fatherly conversations. His chest felt warm with that portion of the dream. Until, of course, it was ruined by somebody waking him up.

"Tony." Rhodey said, gently shaking him. Tony jumped when he opened his eyes to see Rhodey not a foot from his face. Tony resisted the urge to call to his suit when it registered that it was only his best friend.

"Jesus, Rhodey, what the f-" Tony started, annoyed and angry at him for waking him from a good dream, and waking him at all.

"Tony, Thor got the Reality Stone. Well, really it was Rocket, but Thor did it. He did it." Rhodey exclaimed excitedly, hardly making sense. Or maybe that was because - judging by the red alarm clock by the side of his bed - it was about half past two in the morning.

"He did what?" Tony asked haphazardly, dismissing the answer before he got it. His dream was calling to him and he was intent on answering.

"Tony...he did it. Half the universe, they were never really gone. It was the reality stone the whole time." This got Tony's attention. "He just kind of...shifted it, but it was enough to break the spell. Mantis, Drax, Quill, Strange…" Rhodey stopped for a moment, letting Tony process what was going on before continuing. "Peter. They're all back. Peter's back." Tony looked like he was torn between wanting to believe Rhodey, and thinking he was full of crap. The hope rising in his chest, however, he couldn't help nor hide.

"No, no Peter's gone. I watched him disappear in my own arms." Tony says shaking his head, thoroughly in denial. Denial was easier than hope. Hope was what ruined people, and he couldn't let himself believe something that was powerful enough to do that. Rhodey pursed his lips, knowing what Tony was doing before Tony himself knew, and flicked at his government issued watch. He played a news clip dated about twenty minutes in the past. A serious looking blonde news reporter flickered in the hologram, relief showing itself on her face.

"Breaking news, people everywhere are returning from the ash and reuniting with their families. This is not a drill. I repeat, people are returning home." Tony's mouth opened with the effort to keep his breathing under control. If people were returning, would Peter return on Planet Doom or would he return to his real home? Tony had to find him. "This is not a drill. There have been efforts placed to help the lost find their families and-" Rhodey turned off the newscast at that point.

"Now do you believe me? He's back, Tony." Rhodey said, taking his friend's shoulders gently in his hands. Tony stood up abruptly, accidentally knocking Rhodey's hands away in his haste.

"I have to find him." Tony said with wide eyes, leading his way down to the lab. Rhodey tailed him like a cop.

"Tony, wait-" Rhodey started as Tony turned around with a fiery determination in his eyes.

"I know, Rhodes. It's not a smart idea to go flying around trying to find him when I'm probably the most hated man in the world for letting this happen in the first place." Tony says ashamedly. Rhodey frowns. He lifts Tony's chin and lets his hand drop to his shoulder.

"No, Tones. I'm coming with you. I'm not letting you do this alone." Rhodey says, an earnest look in his eyes. Tony smiles softly and turns back around to his suits.

"Thank you." He throws over his shoulder, well aware of the love he feels for and from his best friend. Tony's suit forms around him as Rhodey steps into his Iron Patriot armor.

"Let's go find my kid."

* * *

Tony flies around New York City first, visiting Peter's home in Queens to see if he was there. May opened the door, looking hopeful beyond belief, but was crushed when the knocker wasn't Peter. Tony left with a promise that he would call May the moment he found him. The desperation settling in his chest was powerful enough to keep him flying for hours, even when Rhodey had gone back to wait at the tower in case Peter showed up. With each passing town, Tony feared that Peter had regenerated back on Planet Doom. His suit still wasn't responding to his multiple calls, but it was back online. That much kept him going. He was back, and that kept him looking. He was alive, which kept his anxiety at bay while searching. And he would find him because he had to.

* * *

After another hour of looking for Peter, Tony let the despair win over his hope. He'd go home, have Friday keep looking for him, make a quick call to May, and try again tomorrow. With a heavy sigh, he flew back to the tower.

Mid-flight, his suit starts to ring. Rhodey's face pops up in front of Tony's. As he accepts the call, Rhodey's voice filters in.

"Tony, I think you should come home. I can't stay awake much longer." Rhodey's slightly robotic voice says. Tony rolls his eyes.

"Thanks, Rhodes. I'm on my way. Has May called at all?" Tony asks curiously. Two birds with one stone and all.

"Nah, not yet." Tony's face falls a split second before he can rearrange it. Rhodey catches it. "I'm sorry, Tony. We'll find him."

"Yeah. I'll see you back home." Tony ends the call before he can get a reply. Tony watches the stars as he flies back, crushing tears threatening to drop. Tony frowns at himself. He can feel his mind begging to attack him, to tell him how much of a failure he is, how everybody else has found their families but he can't find Peter because he doesn't deserve to and-

"Friday, play some music." Tony says quickly, hoping to drown himself in the notes. _I don't wanna go._

"Of course, sir. Which artist?" Tony wants to punch something. Just anything. _I'm sorry._

"I really don't care." Some rock band he thinks he knows blares through his speakers. Tony has to blast it to block out the thoughts in his head. He hits the landing pad outside of his floor just as the last song ends. Tony takes off his suit and digs out his phone to call May. Maybe he was back home already, maybe May just forgot to call.

As he steps into the living room, he drops the phone. It bounces dangerously on its side but Tony pays no attention to it.

Peter is laying on the couch, asleep.

Tony's face held a learned stoic expression as he regarded Peter with uncertainty. Was this really Peter? Or was this just a long-awaited psychotic break? Tony just stands there, dumbfounded, his breath hesitant. Peter's eyes crack open an inch when he sees Tony staring at him, barely breathing. He sits up on the couch, moving to stand. For a moment, neither move nor speak.

Finally, Peter breaks the tense silence.

"Mr. Stark?" Peter asked nervously, clenching his hands and rubbing the fabric of his shirt between his forefingers. Tony watched him with a softness in his eyes that was reserved only for Peter.

"Kid." Peter met his eyes and Tony melted at the puppy quality they had. His eyes were huge and watery, and Tony could just barely see the moon reflected in them. "I should have tried harder against Thanos, I'm so sorry I failed you, I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you-"

"I missed you so much, it was so dark and cold and lonely and-wait, you think you failed me?" Peter asks.

Tony looks at him incredulously. "Uh, yeah, Peter. You disappeared in my arms and I couldn't do anything about it."

"Tony, if it were you that had disappeared, would you blame me for not being able to stop it?" Peter frowned as he asked.

Tony surged forward to put his arms on Peter's shoulders. "No, god no, I could never." Peter gave him a look that said _exactly_. Tony patted him on the shoulder. "I missed you, kid."

Peter steps forward and wraps his arms around Tony, his voice coming out small and vulnerable in the material of Tony's hoodie. "I missed you too, Dad." Peter can feel Tony's chest become still before Tony lets out a quiet sob. Tony holds his son close to his heart and cards his fingers through Peter's curly hair, thanking Thor that Peter got to be back home with him. Against his chest, Peter can feel tears hitting the back of his neck, a few landing on his shoulder. Peter says nothing about it, because he's sure Tony can feel the tear soaked patch on his hoodie. They stand there crying in each other's arms for a while, the earth and the moon finally back, working in harmony. Suddenly, Tony pulls back slightly.

"Crap, does May know?" Tony waits for the answer, not wanting to let go of Peter to grab his phone off the ground.

"Yeah, I went there first. She knows." Peter answers, finally feeling at home with Tony.

"Good, because you're not leaving my sight tonight. If May has a problem she can come stay or we can go out there, but I'm going wherever you go." Tony says, leaning his cheek contentedly on Peter's hair. Peter felt so real, and in no world was Tony going to let him go anytime soon.

"Okay, Mr. Stark." Peter gave a hidden watery smile, burying his head deeper into Tony's chest. Any other day, Peter might have been embarrassed at his actions, but today was no other day. He was given a second chance to be with his dad and damn if he wasn't going to take it. Tony pulls back suddenly, discreetly wiping at his eyes. He sniffs, trying to hold back his emotions.

"Good to have you back, kid." Peter nods in agreement, running his sweater sleeve under his red eyes.

Tony's moon was back in his orbit and he couldn't be happier. Peter was right where he belonged, in the tower in the sunlight, in his room at night, doing homework in the living room, freaking out when he had been told by Karen that Tony had watched all of his Baby Monitor footage… (" _All...all of it?" "All of it_." " _Even the Dad one?" "Especially the Dad one." "Karen! I told you to delete that one!" "I couldn't, Peter. It was against Boss' orders." "Damnit, Karen.")_ Tony just laughed and ruffled his hair when Peter came to him with a rushed, red-faced explanation. " _I think you're pretty cool, too, Son."_

That night Tony closes the window but sleeps in the hall next to Peter's room, just in case.

Just in case.


End file.
